Zaltho Foundation

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"To Be of Service"
Claude AnShin Thomas

Last night I saw a film on the television. It was in it's original language, which was in itself quite unique for European television. The film was presented with Polish or Serbo-Croatian subtitles. It was a film about a Vietnam veteran who was on death row awaiting execution. I didn't get the title but the 2 main characters in the film were portrayed by David Stratthan and Sissy Spacek. As the movie was going on I began to feel very emotional as I was identifying with the issues that were being presented in the film. The lack of sensitivity to the character portraying the veteran and the ultimate consequences resulting from that insensitivity. And I couldn't help but identify with the issues that were being presented in this film. To relate the issues that were being portrayed in this movie with how I have been feeling around the reality of being forced out of my home in Concord. I'm so Sad, Angry, and Hurt. And with all of these emotions present at once I then experience feeling Cornered, and then I feel Overwhelmed and then as the box grows tighter and my options seem less and less I start to feel panic and then I want to take action and I feel revengeful. These feelings find a voice, a presence not only because of the eviction but also because of the related issues that no one is really willing to stand up to the injustice. That it's just not really that important to anyone. That no one is really willing to take the extra step beyond their own comfort level. And I feel abandoned.

This is exactly the feelings of abandonment that I experienced in Vietnam through the actions of an absentee and insensitive command structure and also what I experienced at all levels of the personal, social, cultural, political and institutional structures when I came home. And it is this situation that sits at the root of my suffering. How no one really gives a s***. How people close their eyes to abuse and neglect if it is not happening directly to them. The real sense of unwillingness to step beyond the comfort level to avoid having to realize that this is also happening to them and that they are responsible. And with this responsibility comes the mandate to speak up, take action.

I am being forced out of the only home that I've ever really known, the only safe place that I've ever really known and no one is really willing to really speak up. No one is really willing to take any action that might be in the least uncomfortable. And that in this action of forcing me out of my home rests the roots of violence, greed and suffering. To know that and to not be able to give voice to that, to mobilize others to give voice to that, to not be able to in any way defend my position leaves me with a terrible feeling. Leaves me feeling overwhelmed with a sense of being out-of-control.

And it is also true that even as I write these words I can feel the tension and nervousness that comes with speaking up. Because just through the act of speaking up people in become sensitized, and as a rule don't like this and shoot the messenger, which only serves to heightened my anxiety and yet I can't be other than who I am.

And so I wear robes and I'm thankful that somewhere there is some support. Because without them, without this container I don't know how I might respond to this matter. I feel compelled to do something to wake people up and it seems that to wake people up I would have to speak with a very loud voice. And I don't have a clear picture just now or in what form that voice needs to be expressed in to be and heard.

Anyway, I will close for now. I return to the States on the 21st of December and will spend Christmas in New England and then pack up most of my belongings and drive down to Mary Esther. I expect to be at Magnolia by the 28th or 29th of December. I won't be moving all of my things down because I haven't totally abandoned the effort to continue to hold on to my home in Concord. Mostly because my son is in the midst of changing his career. He is going to flight school and just now and by providing him a rent free space is one of the few ways in which I am able to support him. I need to support him and to continue to commit my life to a life of service because the act of service is in and of itself supportive. Supportive because I am willing, time and time again, to go beyond my comfort level. That is the only way that we can be of service in the face of true suffering. And through being available to be of service I am discovering how to be an effect instrument of support. I discover this time and time again through the act of going beyond my comfort level. And who knows perhaps one day I will also find others who are willing to go beyond their comfort levels so that this culture of abuse, violence, neglect, greed and war can begin to become transformed. Because what I am more and more acutely aware of is that until we are more and more willing and able to do this, to go beyond our comfort levels, this culture of abuse, violence, neglect, greed and war will not change as all initial change must at first be personal.

So, Until the next time.Who knows, perhaps one day I will also find others who are willing also willing to go beyond their comfort levels. Because what I am more and more acutely aware of is that until we are more and more willing and able to do this, to go beyond our comfort levels, this culture of abuse, violence, neglect, greed and war will not change as all initial change must at first be personal.

< Back | The Practice | Next >

"To Be of Service"
Claude AnShin Thomas

Last night I saw a film on the television. It was in it's original language, which was in itself quite unique for European television. The film was presented with Polish or Serbo-Croatian subtitles. It was a film about a Vietnam veteran who was on death row awaiting execution. I didn't get the title but the 2 main characters in the film were portrayed by David Stratthan and Sissy Spacek. As the movie was going on I began to feel very emotional as I was identifying with the issues that were being presented in the film. The lack of sensitivity to the character portraying the veteran and the ultimate consequences resulting from that insensitivity. And I couldn't help but identify with the issues that were being presented in this film. To relate the issues that were being portrayed in this movie with how I have been feeling around the reality of being forced out of my home in Concord. I'm so Sad, Angry, and Hurt. And with all of these emotions present at once I then experience feeling Cornered, and then I feel Overwhelmed and then as the box grows tighter and my options seem less and less I start to feel panic and then I want to take action and I feel revengeful. These feelings find a voice, a presence not only because of the eviction but also because of the related issues that no one is really willing to stand up to the injustice. That it's just not really that important to anyone. That no one is really willing to take the extra step beyond their own comfort level. And I feel abandoned.

This is exactly the feelings of abandonment that I experienced in Vietnam through the actions of an absentee and insensitive command structure and also what I experienced at all levels of the personal, social, cultural, political and institutional structures when I came home. And it is this situation that sits at the root of my suffering. How no one really gives a s***. How people close their eyes to abuse and neglect if it is not happening directly to them. The real sense of unwillingness to step beyond the comfort level to avoid having to realize that this is also happening to them and that they are responsible. And with this responsibility comes the mandate to speak up, take action.

I am being forced out of the only home that I've ever really known, the only safe place that I've ever really known and no one is really willing to really speak up. No one is really willing to take any action that might be in the least uncomfortable. And that in this action of forcing me out of my home rests the roots of violence, greed and suffering. To know that and to not be able to give voice to that, to mobilize others to give voice to that, to not be able to in any way defend my position leaves me with a terrible feeling. Leaves me feeling overwhelmed with a sense of being out-of-control.

And it is also true that even as I write these words I can feel the tension and nervousness that comes with speaking up. Because just through the act of speaking up people in become sensitized, and as a rule don't like this and shoot the messenger, which only serves to heightened my anxiety and yet I can't be other than who I am.

And so I wear robes and I'm thankful that somewhere there is some support. Because without them, without this container I don't know how I might respond to this matter. I feel compelled to do something to wake people up and it seems that to wake people up I would have to speak with a very loud voice. And I don't have a clear picture just now or in what form that voice needs to be expressed in to be and heard.

Anyway, I will close for now. I return to the States on the 21st of December and will spend Christmas in New England and then pack up most of my belongings and drive down to Mary Esther. I expect to be at Magnolia by the 28th or 29th of December. I won't be moving all of my things down because I haven't totally abandoned the effort to continue to hold on to my home in Concord. Mostly because my son is in the midst of changing his career. He is going to flight school and just now and by providing him a rent free space is one of the few ways in which I am able to support him. I need to support him and to continue to commit my life to a life of service because the act of service is in and of itself supportive. Supportive because I am willing, time and time again, to go beyond my comfort level. That is the only way that we can be of service in the face of true suffering. And through being available to be of service I am discovering how to be an effect instrument of support. I discover this time and time again through the act of going beyond my comfort level. And who knows perhaps one day I will also find others who are willing to go beyond their comfort levels so that this culture of abuse, violence, neglect, greed and war can begin to become transformed. Because what I am more and more acutely aware of is that until we are more and more willing and able to do this, to go beyond our comfort levels, this culture of abuse, violence, neglect, greed and war will not change as all initial change must at first be personal.

So, Until the next time.Who knows, perhaps one day I will also find others who are willing also willing to go beyond their comfort levels. Because what I am more and more acutely aware of is that until we are more and more willing and able to do this, to go beyond our comfort levels, this culture of abuse, violence, neglect, greed and war will not change as all initial change must at first be personal.