Zaltho Foundation

< Back | Short Stories & Essays | Next >

"Pilgrimage"
Claude AnShin Thomas

In this article I will write about a dynamic that I have experienced many times in my life. I have participated in this dynamic, have been held hostage by it and victimized by it. This dynamic is not particular to any specific individual, group or organization and my addressing it is not meant to be a condemnation of any individual, any group or its members. Within the realms of my experience this is a dynamic that is ever present. The intent of this article is to shine a light into a dark corner of the human experience.

When we look at a tree we see the trunk, the bark, the branches, and the leaves. What we do not see is what provides the tree its stability, its nourishment - the root system. As tall as a tree is its tap root is also that deep in the earth. We can not know how expansive or in what condition these roots are in unless we uncover them, dig them up. But one thing that is clear is that if this root system is not healthy the tree is not healthy. When this is uncovered, if the tree is to survive it must be given care. It cannot recover if the unhealthy parts are just covered back over with dirt.

I have been living and walking with a core group of about 25 people on a pilgrimage for "Peace and Life" since November of 1994, it is now May 1995. What I am experiencing on this pilgrimage is that most people, rather than touch their suffering or take a critical look at themselves, spend their time projecting their issues (powerlessness, despair, inadequacies, aloneness) externally, making someone or something else responsible, i.e. their family, their parent(s), their job, their partner, their spouse, the opposite sex, a particular group (lesbians, gays, Jews, Palestinians, people on welfare, affirmative action, the wealthy or the government). Or I've watched these people do everything within their power to simply hide from their suffering, ignore their suffering rather than touch it. When I am confronted by such behavior at whatever level it appears I become frightened because what I know from my experience is that suffering does not go away. And if it is not dealt with it ends up getting acted out on self, on me, or on others. Not only do I become frightened but I also end up feeling very unsafe.

I am not without deep suffering. I can see and recognize the deep suffering in others because I have been forced to experience it, to acknowledge it within myself. I have been given one benefit, the benefit of having been put in situations that have forced me to confront my suffering, to wake up to the many ways in which this suffering controlled my life. These situations, the ones that have ripped away denial and brought to light the illusions that support it, war, homelessness, joblessness and the abandonment of my society and culture, I understood at one time only as a curse, not as the gift they truly are. And the nature of the suffering that drove me to these places was unknown to me because I was also consumed by the reality that most members of this group operate from. A reality dictated through social and cultural norms, the ones that tell us don't acknowledge, don't talk about, hide from the feelings that are even remotely uncomfortable.

This society and culture pushes me and others like me beyond it's fringes. Pushes us beyond it's fringes because for them to embrace me and others with like experiences would mean that they would have to embrace themselves, touch the same depth and level of feelings, of suffering, within themselves. So to avoid this opportunity they reject us.

I experience the focus of these people as being outward, external. They talk often about feeling aggrieved in some way. The tricky part about dealing with this denial is that the sense of feeling aggrieved most always has at its center a measure of justifiability. In living, sleeping, walking, eating with these people I watch them make efforts, conscious and unconscious, to connect with others who share similar viewpoints and the deeper the suffering and denial of that suffering the stronger are the efforts to avoid it. A common practice in the effort to avoid touching suffering amongst those vested in denial is to take control under the guise of leadership, seeking identity through position. In connecting with one another these people's shared viewpoints serve to reinforce their denial mechanisms protecting "personal culpability". The question which constantly arises in my mind when confronted by this dynamic is how to foster healing, or to address the reality that we all have a responsibility to healing. There is also the question of how to invite exploration and discourse around how healing begins, how it occurs. Where I have no questions is in the knowledge that healing does not occur by purposeful forgetting, that healing does not occur externally and that healing is and continues to be a deeply personal and often a painful and maddening process. This process more often than not brings one (it certainly brings me) into conflict with a variety of fundamental Social and Cultural norms in whatever form they may appear, i.e. family, neighborhood, educational setting, church, or group. So as I am experiencing this dynamic here in this pilgrimage I am also witnessing people in their efforts to avoid their suffering, deny it aggressively by actively seeking traditional positions of power and control through title and a lock on the flow of information. I have experienced in the past that these efforts, individual and collective, passive and aggressive always have dire consequences as these efforts do not facilitate healing but reinforce and perpetuate intense denial structures.

I watch as these people in their avoidance bond with one another in formal and informal ways with the resulting purpose to lose any meaningful or significant contact with other people who hold different opinions. This isolation (which does not mean a total absence of interaction with people outside their circle, but can) is used to reinforce views and coping techniques. This bonding also gives them an illusion of purpose!! I am experiencing that these groups or cliques provide a forum for acting out suffering unchallenged.

When I find myself in the midst of interactions with this type of behavior my first reaction is often anger. I am also becoming aware that the deeper the nature of the suffering, accompanied by the denial of that suffering, the more powerful are my reactions, for instance; from just being angry or upset to wanting to act out in rage - hitting, punching, breaking, shooting. But as I notice, become more conscious and aware of the strength of my reaction, the more I am able to avoid getting caught up in reacting. To simply sit with the power of my feelings, not react and just breathe, this is the process that brings me back to myself and the reality of my own suffering. It is at precisely this point that I must focus on the reality that the strength and clarity to sit with my own deep and powerful suffering is what is most important, what facilitates healing. It is in this place that exists the awareness that there is nothing exactly to do to penetrate the denial of another. That the most powerful form of healing then is the willingness to realize my own denial, to heal me. And in this light, the light of interbeing, the inter-connectedness of all things, I am then healing the other in me. I am therefore avoiding the trap of suffering, not feeding their cycle of suffering.

It is at this point -just here- that I experience myself standing in a sea of people, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me, their eyes, empty, devoid of any life force, look right through me!! After such interactions I almost always walk away feeling shamed, feeling dirty, agitated, and distraught. I want to either avoid all contact people or show them just how much suffering effects others. I want to show them by acting out violently, hurt them, but mostly I don't. I walk, I breathe, I write, I talk, I pray, and sometimes I curse, I kick at the earth and almost always cry out my despair.

In watching the dynamic of denial in this group I have also observed that within their cloistered connections, their suffering, unconscious or conscious - I don't know, becomes competitive. Each making stronger and stronger statements to rationalize their particular viewpoint. Fighting and struggling amongst each other in a cycle of one-upsmanship.

Healing self is the most fundamental element of peace. It is not a political process, it is not an external process, it is not an intellectual process. Healing is very personal, it takes time, support and cannot be legislated, directed, ordered or commanded. It requires a spiritual waking up which is not necessarily religious or devotional. It is an experience, deeply personal in nature and if this does not occur then we as people, as societies, as cultures, will simply continue to create more suffering. We will continue to act out our own suffering as I can testify through my own life. I can see this in my choice to go to war thinking that I was serving the efforts to create PEACE. Imagine serving the efforts of peace at the point of a gun!!

Every time that this group has encountered a difficult place (Bosnia-Herzegovina, Iraq, Cambodia) a space where people have been forced to encounter suffering, the suffering of the group, the fears of the group have been ignored, repressed, so that "in fear" they have not been able to act from a place of compassion but rather acted out. They acted out of their fear losing control of self and they became tyrants, irrational in their decision making and insensitive to the needs of the many. In this space of acting out they are even insensitive to their own needs. They have not choice other then to be insensitive to the cultures and the peoples that they are encountering. As this dynamic begins to unfold I watch the people of sensitivity, empathy and caring withdraw leaving those who are lost in their denial left to themselves to direct, manipulate, and control, their tactics and coping mechanisms successful. It is here at just this point that I am confronted with a very personal and pressing question, what to do? What is the compassionate thing to do?

I experience the avoidance of suffering, denial as an act of violence more powerful in many ways than guns and bombs because it is not so obvious, covert rather than overt. And involved in this group as I am the question arises for me how can people continue to commit acts of violence and claim to work for peace ? Perhaps it is that in all cases except those where individuals suffer from clearly diagnosable, organic, physiological dysfunction that violence is a result of distancing from ones feelings, being capitulated by suffering to act out in small or grand fashion. After all at the core of military training is the distancing from or repression of feelings because it isn't possible to KILL PEOPLE and be in touch with our feelings. Be in touch with the true nature of ourselves.

I also know through the experience and nature of my life that healing does not come through acts of personal defilement such as burning, cutting or starving as is modeled in many traditions that lay claim to Spiritual Enlightenment.

As I experience more deeply the reality of these traditions I come to understand more clearly that these acts are merely external expressions of unaddressed suffering. I experience these acts clearly as violent and those traditions that encourage these types of practices as bordering on cultism in its negative manifestation. I also have and do experience these acts to be present and encouraged within the groups and cliques that are invested in avoiding or denying personal suffering. Where the line can becomes blurred is when these groups use the rationalization that these particular practices help them to stay in touch with the reality of suffering in the world, help them to stay in touch with the fire of ones own suffering. That these practices help a person to learn how to hold their suffering, not deny it and not act it out or put it aside but express it by "Driving On For The Noble Cause"!!

What I continue to learn through living peace, through being peace, is that until there is healing, personal healing, peace in any real form does not exist. That what exists is only brief respite from pain. Nothing different than what is found through a drug induced fix which always requires another fix and another fix and another. This process is its own source of pain as there is never enough fix. So the cycle of suffering continues - BIRTH, DEATH, and REBIRTH. So here I will paraphrase the noted Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, the task is not to heal the political system the task is to heal the politician -- the political system will take care of itself.

< Back | Short Stories & Essays | Next >

"Pilgrimage"
Claude AnShin Thomas

In this article I will write about a dynamic that I have experienced many times in my life. I have participated in this dynamic, have been held hostage by it and victimized by it. This dynamic is not particular to any specific individual, group or organization and my addressing it is not meant to be a condemnation of any individual, any group or its members. Within the realms of my experience this is a dynamic that is ever present. The intent of this article is to shine a light into a dark corner of the human experience.

When we look at a tree we see the trunk, the bark, the branches, and the leaves. What we do not see is what provides the tree its stability, its nourishment - the root system. As tall as a tree is its tap root is also that deep in the earth. We can not know how expansive or in what condition these roots are in unless we uncover them, dig them up. But one thing that is clear is that if this root system is not healthy the tree is not healthy. When this is uncovered, if the tree is to survive it must be given care. It cannot recover if the unhealthy parts are just covered back over with dirt.

I have been living and walking with a core group of about 25 people on a pilgrimage for "Peace and Life" since November of 1994, it is now May 1995. What I am experiencing on this pilgrimage is that most people, rather than touch their suffering or take a critical look at themselves, spend their time projecting their issues (powerlessness, despair, inadequacies, aloneness) externally, making someone or something else responsible, i.e. their family, their parent(s), their job, their partner, their spouse, the opposite sex, a particular group (lesbians, gays, Jews, Palestinians, people on welfare, affirmative action, the wealthy or the government). Or I've watched these people do everything within their power to simply hide from their suffering, ignore their suffering rather than touch it. When I am confronted by such behavior at whatever level it appears I become frightened because what I know from my experience is that suffering does not go away. And if it is not dealt with it ends up getting acted out on self, on me, or on others. Not only do I become frightened but I also end up feeling very unsafe.

I am not without deep suffering. I can see and recognize the deep suffering in others because I have been forced to experience it, to acknowledge it within myself. I have been given one benefit, the benefit of having been put in situations that have forced me to confront my suffering, to wake up to the many ways in which this suffering controlled my life. These situations, the ones that have ripped away denial and brought to light the illusions that support it, war, homelessness, joblessness and the abandonment of my society and culture, I understood at one time only as a curse, not as the gift they truly are. And the nature of the suffering that drove me to these places was unknown to me because I was also consumed by the reality that most members of this group operate from. A reality dictated through social and cultural norms, the ones that tell us don't acknowledge, don't talk about, hide from the feelings that are even remotely uncomfortable.

This society and culture pushes me and others like me beyond it's fringes. Pushes us beyond it's fringes because for them to embrace me and others with like experiences would mean that they would have to embrace themselves, touch the same depth and level of feelings, of suffering, within themselves. So to avoid this opportunity they reject us.

I experience the focus of these people as being outward, external. They talk often about feeling aggrieved in some way. The tricky part about dealing with this denial is that the sense of feeling aggrieved most always has at its center a measure of justifiability. In living, sleeping, walking, eating with these people I watch them make efforts, conscious and unconscious, to connect with others who share similar viewpoints and the deeper the suffering and denial of that suffering the stronger are the efforts to avoid it. A common practice in the effort to avoid touching suffering amongst those vested in denial is to take control under the guise of leadership, seeking identity through position. In connecting with one another these people's shared viewpoints serve to reinforce their denial mechanisms protecting "personal culpability". The question which constantly arises in my mind when confronted by this dynamic is how to foster healing, or to address the reality that we all have a responsibility to healing. There is also the question of how to invite exploration and discourse around how healing begins, how it occurs. Where I have no questions is in the knowledge that healing does not occur by purposeful forgetting, that healing does not occur externally and that healing is and continues to be a deeply personal and often a painful and maddening process. This process more often than not brings one (it certainly brings me) into conflict with a variety of fundamental Social and Cultural norms in whatever form they may appear, i.e. family, neighborhood, educational setting, church, or group. So as I am experiencing this dynamic here in this pilgrimage I am also witnessing people in their efforts to avoid their suffering, deny it aggressively by actively seeking traditional positions of power and control through title and a lock on the flow of information. I have experienced in the past that these efforts, individual and collective, passive and aggressive always have dire consequences as these efforts do not facilitate healing but reinforce and perpetuate intense denial structures.

I watch as these people in their avoidance bond with one another in formal and informal ways with the resulting purpose to lose any meaningful or significant contact with other people who hold different opinions. This isolation (which does not mean a total absence of interaction with people outside their circle, but can) is used to reinforce views and coping techniques. This bonding also gives them an illusion of purpose!! I am experiencing that these groups or cliques provide a forum for acting out suffering unchallenged.

When I find myself in the midst of interactions with this type of behavior my first reaction is often anger. I am also becoming aware that the deeper the nature of the suffering, accompanied by the denial of that suffering, the more powerful are my reactions, for instance; from just being angry or upset to wanting to act out in rage - hitting, punching, breaking, shooting. But as I notice, become more conscious and aware of the strength of my reaction, the more I am able to avoid getting caught up in reacting. To simply sit with the power of my feelings, not react and just breathe, this is the process that brings me back to myself and the reality of my own suffering. It is at precisely this point that I must focus on the reality that the strength and clarity to sit with my own deep and powerful suffering is what is most important, what facilitates healing. It is in this place that exists the awareness that there is nothing exactly to do to penetrate the denial of another. That the most powerful form of healing then is the willingness to realize my own denial, to heal me. And in this light, the light of interbeing, the inter-connectedness of all things, I am then healing the other in me. I am therefore avoiding the trap of suffering, not feeding their cycle of suffering.

It is at this point -just here- that I experience myself standing in a sea of people, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me, their eyes, empty, devoid of any life force, look right through me!! After such interactions I almost always walk away feeling shamed, feeling dirty, agitated, and distraught. I want to either avoid all contact people or show them just how much suffering effects others. I want to show them by acting out violently, hurt them, but mostly I don't. I walk, I breathe, I write, I talk, I pray, and sometimes I curse, I kick at the earth and almost always cry out my despair.

In watching the dynamic of denial in this group I have also observed that within their cloistered connections, their suffering, unconscious or conscious - I don't know, becomes competitive. Each making stronger and stronger statements to rationalize their particular viewpoint. Fighting and struggling amongst each other in a cycle of one-upsmanship.

Healing self is the most fundamental element of peace. It is not a political process, it is not an external process, it is not an intellectual process. Healing is very personal, it takes time, support and cannot be legislated, directed, ordered or commanded. It requires a spiritual waking up which is not necessarily religious or devotional. It is an experience, deeply personal in nature and if this does not occur then we as people, as societies, as cultures, will simply continue to create more suffering. We will continue to act out our own suffering as I can testify through my own life. I can see this in my choice to go to war thinking that I was serving the efforts to create PEACE. Imagine serving the efforts of peace at the point of a gun!!

Every time that this group has encountered a difficult place (Bosnia-Herzegovina, Iraq, Cambodia) a space where people have been forced to encounter suffering, the suffering of the group, the fears of the group have been ignored, repressed, so that "in fear" they have not been able to act from a place of compassion but rather acted out. They acted out of their fear losing control of self and they became tyrants, irrational in their decision making and insensitive to the needs of the many. In this space of acting out they are even insensitive to their own needs. They have not choice other then to be insensitive to the cultures and the peoples that they are encountering. As this dynamic begins to unfold I watch the people of sensitivity, empathy and caring withdraw leaving those who are lost in their denial left to themselves to direct, manipulate, and control, their tactics and coping mechanisms successful. It is here at just this point that I am confronted with a very personal and pressing question, what to do? What is the compassionate thing to do?

I experience the avoidance of suffering, denial as an act of violence more powerful in many ways than guns and bombs because it is not so obvious, covert rather than overt. And involved in this group as I am the question arises for me how can people continue to commit acts of violence and claim to work for peace ? Perhaps it is that in all cases except those where individuals suffer from clearly diagnosable, organic, physiological dysfunction that violence is a result of distancing from ones feelings, being capitulated by suffering to act out in small or grand fashion. After all at the core of military training is the distancing from or repression of feelings because it isn't possible to KILL PEOPLE and be in touch with our feelings. Be in touch with the true nature of ourselves.

I also know through the experience and nature of my life that healing does not come through acts of personal defilement such as burning, cutting or starving as is modeled in many traditions that lay claim to Spiritual Enlightenment.

As I experience more deeply the reality of these traditions I come to understand more clearly that these acts are merely external expressions of unaddressed suffering. I experience these acts clearly as violent and those traditions that encourage these types of practices as bordering on cultism in its negative manifestation. I also have and do experience these acts to be present and encouraged within the groups and cliques that are invested in avoiding or denying personal suffering. Where the line can becomes blurred is when these groups use the rationalization that these particular practices help them to stay in touch with the reality of suffering in the world, help them to stay in touch with the fire of ones own suffering. That these practices help a person to learn how to hold their suffering, not deny it and not act it out or put it aside but express it by "Driving On For The Noble Cause"!!

What I continue to learn through living peace, through being peace, is that until there is healing, personal healing, peace in any real form does not exist. That what exists is only brief respite from pain. Nothing different than what is found through a drug induced fix which always requires another fix and another fix and another. This process is its own source of pain as there is never enough fix. So the cycle of suffering continues - BIRTH, DEATH, and REBIRTH. So here I will paraphrase the noted Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, the task is not to heal the political system the task is to heal the politician -- the political system will take care of itself.