Talks | Next >

"Public Talk, Solingen, Germany, 28 May 1997"
Claude AnShin Thomas
 

Good evening. You hear it twice.

Did you notice that the microphone matches the flowers?
While Heinz-Jurgen was talking I was looking at the flowers and I couldn't see the microphone, it got lost.  Healing aggression - that's the title of this talk.  How is that possible? How do we heal aggression? We must first recognize something very important - aggression is not something that exists outside of us, it exists here. And if we want to heal aggression then we must heal the aggression here. We must wake up to the nature to our own aggression.

Its written that the Buddha taught that the Buddha's highest teaching was the teaching of suffering. Suffer. One of the comments that I often hear or one of the comments that I hear regularly is that, all you Buddhists talk about is suffering. Suffering, suffering, suffering - you just talk about suffering. What about joy? There is so much joy in life, do you ever talk about joy?

The highest teaching, Buddha's highest teaching was the teaching of Dukkha. Dukkha is a Pali word that translates to suffering. What is suffering? What is aggression? It is important for us to understand. If I ask each one of you what was suffering, I'm sure I would get 42 different answers. If we all gave an honest answer. What is aggression? If I asked, I would get different definitions. So when I talk about suffering, I talk about how I understand to the teaching of the Buddha What is suffering. Suffering is a natural condition of life. If I can not understand this fundamental teaching, then all of the other teachings escape me. If I can not understand and come to terms with this fundamental teaching, then in fact there is no joy. We must not confuse pleasure with joy.
What is suffering? - I'm thirsty - this is suffering. Where there is suffering there can be an end to suffer. If we can conceive of a thing, we can conceive of the end of it.

So let's see, I'm thirsty, this is suffering so I take a drink, that's the end of suffering, however, then I'm thirsty again and this is suffering. Suffering is a natural condition of life. It is that simple. What are the forms of suffering? There are great forms, and there are small forms, but again, this is a question of our own understanding of it. The Buddha also teaches about mindfulness - living in mindfulness. Mindfulness is living in the present moment, intensely in the present moment, there is nothing else. There is no past, there is no future - there is only now. This can not be debated. Because you can not imagine what will happen, you can only see what is happening now. In truth, we have no impact in what has happened and what will happen. We can only have an impact on what is happening, living in the present moment. If we are not in the present moment, we are not living in mindfulness. If we are not living in mindfulness, then we are living in forgetfulness. We are controlled by the causes and conditions of our life. The essence of suffering in Buddhism, or I should say in the teaching of the Buddha, because there is a difference. There is a difference between the teaching of the Buddha and Buddhism. Buddhism is not the teaching of the Buddha, but the forms they grew out of the teaching of the Buddha and there are many forms, but there is only one teaching.

It is written that the Buddha taught, the interdependence of all things, - its like a little explosion. Interesting how are the sounds for me, when I hear that sound, for me the first thing I hear is a little explosion. What do you hear? This is the nature of our experience.

The interdependence of all things, the interconnectedness of all things.
I'm not different from this microphone, - that's true, its really true. Its not possible to comprehend some of these things in an intellectual way. But if we can not comprehend a thing in an intellectual way, it doesn't mean that it is true or not true. We come to that place of understanding by living our life in mindfulness. That place of understanding is beyond the intellect. I'm not different from this microphone, this is not one of those ZEN-tricks, this is not a metaphysical game, it is not a philosophical proposition, - it is the truth. I'm not different from this microphone, but I'm not confused, I'm not the microphone. If ever I was confused about this you could lock me up. But both realities are true. How is it that I'm not different from this microphone? You see, within this microphone are non-microphone elements. Before it was a microphone, what was it? The sun is here, the rain is here, the earth is here, the minerals in the earth are here. All these things are here; the non-microphone elements, the same non-microphone elements are here.

I'm not different from this microphone. And as surely as I would cause damage to this microphone, I would be causing damage to myself. As sure as I do not respect the gift of this microphone, I don't respect the gift of Self. This is not something that can be understood in a purely intellectual way. We must come to that place beyond the intellect.

What is aggression? Is there anyone here without it? If you think you are without aggression then I invite you to look more deeply. Because those of us who think we are without aggression are the ones most consumed by it.
The interconnectedness of all things.- Within me are all past generations and all future generations.

My father was a soldier in the 2. war. My grandfather was a soldier in the 1. war. My great-grandfather was a soldier in the Spanish war. I was a soldier in the Vietnam war.

All past generations are in me and all future generations are in me.
If I do not wake up to the nature of my suffering healing is not possible.
Aggression is not something that takes place outside of me, it takes place here. And if I want to heal aggression, then I must heal it here. And there is no way to heal aggression other than to wake up to the nature of our own, to live in this way of mindfulness.

For many, many years after I came back from the Vietnam war I didn't speak much about it. You see, I didn't have a problem with it or if I did I oughtn't to speak about it, cause the war was behind me. And I must put it behind me and get on with my life, this is what I'm told. This is what I'm encouraged by my society and my culture. But you see, there was a problem with it. I wasn't able to put it behind me, because everywhere I looked there was the war.

I came home from Vietnam, actually I was discharged from the hospital, in 1968. August 23rd 1968. And when I came home I was twenty. Twenty years old. I attempted to be like I was when I left, except for what I was when I left, had been for ever changed. When I hear that sound ( pops the microphone ), I hear an explosion, that's what I hear first. Out there some place I hear the bombs dropping, this is part of my experience. And I must pass through that before I can come to this place of realizing that its only this sound. When I walk down the street and I hear a sudden sharp noise, I can feel the bullet hit me in the back. I can feel myself falling to the ground, I can feel the blood running down my body. I can smell it. I must pass through all of this before I realize perhaps it was only a car door slamming. It happens quite quickly. But it happens.

The war is never over. War does not begin with a declaration and ends with an armistice.  Wars can not exist unless we support them. War is a collective expression of our individual aggression, it is a collective expression of our individual suffering. - This is an example of the interconnectedness of all things -. If a bag of rice falls in China, it has an impact on my life whether I see it or not, whether I touch it or not. And if I am not willing to wake up then this reality of aggression will continue.

I arrived in Europe on the 18th of April. I spend a week in Berlin and then I traveled to Switzerland. I was going to a town in Switzerland which is called Winterthur. And I was riding on a train from Zurich to Winterthur and I was sitting in the space just past the seats, you know, where you get on the train there is this space, and a young man entered the train. He came and sat down across from me, I just knew he was going to smoke a cigarette. It was a no smoking section. I don't care for cigarette smoke, cause I donut care to have my life damaged by someone else. And I saw him take out a pack of cigarettes and he took a cigarette and put it in his mouth. I simply said "Excuse me" and I pointed to the sign and he looked at me, for a minute he thought, very aggressive in his posture. I knew he was going to light it. In this moment I thought I just take away the lighter, grab the cigarette out of his mouth, smash the lighter on the floor and crush the cigarette in my hand and say, if you want to light another one, I'll do the same. This is what ran through my head. Then I thought, wow, I'm a priest, I cant do that. I'm a ZEN-Monk. If I do that it will reflect on all ZEN-Monks. How will that look in the newspaper? - ZEN-Monk beats up young man -! How fast, (snaps with his fingers) that fast it ran through my head. But in that moment this is the nature of my suffering. What I'm feeling is mine not the others. The other is not responsible for that. He provided me a great gift the opportunity to touch the nature of my suffering. And as these thoughts and feelings were rising it was as if this bell was ringing. And I stopped, came back to my breath, just breathe in breathe out. I watched him lightening his cigarettes and I said to him "I feel very sorry for you that you have to destroy your life in such a way. I'm sorry for you that you have so much suffering" and I bow to him. We both got off at the same stop and I went away to meet the person that I was meeting. We went to get a sandwich and we were sitting in the park, just sitting there eating the sandwich and I began to tell the story of this young man. Just as I was telling the story I looked up and he was walking across the park. So I invited him to come over, and he came. He had his girlfriend with him, she wasn't so sure. But he came. I invited him to sit down and we talked. It was a wonderful talk. And I was able to say to him that I saw him, that I understood, that he was a very sensitive and caring young man. That it was sad for me to watch him destroying his fine body, and that in the future, if he was to continue to smoke, wouldn't he please consider the reality of others around him.

I have no desire to impose my views upon him as I don't wish to have his reality imposed on me. And did he realize the aggressiveness of his action. Did he realize by being so aggressive he invites aggressiveness and that someone else might not be so understanding.
The nature of aggression, what is it?
It is as simple as attempting to impose views on another, to make judgments on the other. His action was neither good nor bad, it simply was.

It is written in the teaching of the Buddha, do not believe that the knowledge you currently possess is changeless absolute truth. What is the nature of suffering? Attachments to views, attachments to actions. The interconnectedness of all things.

The young man sitting and talking with me, if I had been aggressive with him on the train this conversation would not have been possible. It would not have been.     But I also have a responsibility to not sit silently and allow such aggressiveness to be forced on me. How to address such situations? Mindfulness!!

How to arrive at mindfulness? There is no arriving, we are already here. We simply need to wake up to this reality, and how do we do this? By being aware of our breath. It is really that simple. To be aware that we are breathing in and that we are breathing out. Mindfulness, to live deliberately in the present moment, not turning away from the nature of our suffering, not having to escape from it. But learning how to hold it, without judgment.

In America there is a man whose name is Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer was a serial killer. Over a period of say ten years, Jeffrey Dahmer killed 32, 33 people. Jeffrey Dahmer, when he was finally discovered and arrested, he was put in prison and he was killed by the state.
I, Claude AnShin Thomas, I was responsible for more deaths than that in one day.
The interconnectedness of all things.
If I see my self as different from the other, then I have the capacity to commit the same actions as the other. How is the person that killed Jeffrey Dahmer any different from Jeffrey Dahmer?
Living only in the intellectual Self it becomes possible to create these hierarchies, - the nature of suffering. If I see my Self as different from the other, then the other can become the source or the focus of my aggression, of my suffering. Yes, to elevate the reality of my Self by pushing the other down. What is war? You all know very well what is war. And if you think that you don't, then I invite you to simply wake up. The war is here every place. What is war?

War is not something that happens in the form in Yugoslavia. It is not something that happened here 50 years ago, actually 52 now. War is not something that happens outside of our self, its something that happens here. What is the nature of your war? Yes, there is war here in Solingen, you can be sure about it. Just now, tonight - within one kilometer of this building you can be sure there will be committed an act of aggression. Some child will be beaten, perhaps some woman will be beaten. Perhaps some man is laying drunk, demolished and hungry without food. Some child will be sexually exploited. Within one kilometer of this building, - this is the nature of war. And if we turn from this, it enables the other to become possible. The nature of suffering, - what is it? We must wake up to it.

It is written that the Buddha taught, enlightenment is not something outside of us, its not something to be persuade, we are already enlightened, we simply need to wake up to it.
And there is not only one way, we must find the way. There is only realization of the four noble truths which give rise to the eightfold path. If we are able to embody this reality, to live it deeply and intensely, then enlightenment is possible. But it takes an intense commitment, cause in truth we can not think ourselves into a new way of living, we must live ourselves into a new way of thinking.

I was walking on the street, the first day that I was in Solingen. Was it the first day, I don't remember, maybe it was the first day - doesn't matter. I walked down to the center, I think it was the center. While I was walking back, I was walking on this road I think its called Schutzenstrasse. There was a group of young people gathered on the street. Out of this group a young girl yelled at me, I was dressed in my ZEN clothes, black! But here, as you can see, in my daily Zen clothes exists some color. But it's true, I was wearing these black clothes and my head is shaved, and a young  girl from across the street yelled at me, she yelled "Heil Hitler"! - The nature of suffering. Attachments to views and perceptions, judgments,- aggression. The nature of aggression - this is the nature of aggression.  

And when I heard this it just went through me cold. And I wanted to run exactly over to her and say, what are you talking about? Don't you realize I'm a ZEN-monk? The truth is healing is not an intellectual process. I may be able to give someone information that will give him an opportunity to heal. But in truth I can not heal another.

It is written that the Buddha said, what I teach is not the answer its only the way, you have to find the answer, and I'm not it. If we look for answers outside of ourselves we will not find them, the answers exist here, within us. And they exist within the nature of our suffering. And as we are able to wake up to the nature of our suffering - you see it, you watch it, the nature of suffering. If I can not be present with it - healing is not possible. If I run from it, if I attempt to escape it, I'm trapped in it and it will crush me. The interconnectedness of all things, to realize this I must realize this within myself. 

Yes, there is the intellectual Self, there is the sense Self, there is the emotional Self, there is the conscious Self, the un-conscious Self. An expression of the interconnectedness of all things is to work for integration of Self. There is no separate Self. Most of us live our lives in such compartmentalized way. As a child I was conditioned not to feel. Men don't feel. I was conditioned not to have contact with my anger, - don't be angry!, calm down!

The causes and conditions of my life.  I am not different, I am not different from Jeffrey Dahmer, and I am not different from you.

In fact my military training began long before I entered the military. The compartmentalizing, the fragmenting of Self, - don't be angry, don't feel, don't express feelings, don't talk about those things, - because we don't want to upset others.

In truth I don't have the power to upset others. If another is upset, these feelings are theirs. It is in fact their reaction to the circumstances  they're experience. You see, when ever I point a finger onto another and say, you make me feel bad, I have to remember a very important thing:
that I have three fingers pointing back at me.

Yes, it is true that in my interaction with this young man, that his actions were aggressive. What I do with that, that is my responsibility. The feelings that I had were my responsibility.

I spent one year and about two weeks in Vietnam, when I was wounded quite seriously and I was medically evacuated back to America.
My job in Vietnam was helicopter. I was a crew chief in helicopters. in this period of one year and two weeks I was responsible for the destruction of entire villages, for blowing up bridges, for destroying the crops in the fields - this was my job. Not living in my whole Self, not aware of the interconnectedness of all things, not living in mindfulness, I become trapped in the essence of my suffering. Controlled by it so that I must act it out. I'm not free. I'm destined to continue the cycle of suffering, it is simply a natural law. There is no way to avoid these natural laws except - waking up. If I want the suffering to end then I must wake up to it here.
What is the nature of suffering here?

For many years, without knowing it, I was judging myself very harshly for the nature of my actions. It was quite easy to do it. The world was very willing to help me, because the world was very quick to tell me that I was the aggressor in Vietnam. The world was very clear to tell me that without the American involvement there would have been no war.  So when I came home the people within my country who had not fought in Vietnam were very quick to say that I was a bad person, that I was different from them.  Statements would be made to me something like “I'm not like you, I work for peace. I'm fighting to stop the war.” Imagine that - fighting to stop the war. 

On my way home from the hospital I was traveling by plane and I needed to change planes. I was in a city Newark, New Jersey, and I was going home to Erie, Pennsylvania. I had just spent nine month in military hospital, recovering from my wounds. I was still in the process of rehabilitation. I was walking across the air-port, it was a great hall. I was nineteen years old, and a young woman approached me.  I saw her coming, she was beautiful. Imagine, August 1968, she had very long, brown, straight hair and she had a really beautiful long dress designed with flowers. She had no shoes. She had a leather belt,. about this wide, that was tied and it hang down and at the end it had fringes. Her eyes were sort of a bluish green color, I can see here just now, right here. She was so beautiful. 

So there I was in my uniform and of course I had seen all the movies so  I knew why she was coming. She was going to throw her arms around me, give me a big kiss and welcome me home. That's what always happened in the movies.  As she got closer I could feel my heart beating faster and faster.  It was beating so hard that I thought it might jump right out of my chest.

Around her neck she had a necklace, it was a piece of leather and at the end of it - right here - there was a peace symbol. When she came about this close, when I expected she would reach out and embrace me, she spit in my face - here. On my glasses and here.
  Now, I've been shot, I've been damaged in helicopter crashes and since the war I've been stabbed and nothing was as painful as that act. Nothing cut me or injured me as deeply as that act. This was someone working for peace a Peace Worker.   And in that moment I hated her.  This was the feeling I had, - hate, because this was how I was trained. How was I trained to act toward aggression? I was trained to act toward aggression with aggression. If someone acted toward me with aggressively then I would respond in kind. If someone would speak to me harshly-, then I would  respond in kind or even respond with a greater level of aggressiveness. This is how I was trained and conditioned.  Can you see in this the cycle of birth, death and re-birth?

The essence of Buddhist teaching. Birth, death and re-birth doesn't mean when this body dies then its born again. I'm sure it can mean that, but in this moment what we can touch is this reality of birth, death and re-birth.

I commit an act of aggression on another and it wakes up their aggression, and they respond. And then it passes-, birth and death. But then it happens again-, birth, re-birth. Birth of the aggression, the acting of it, the passing of it then the re-birth, the acting of it again. It can stop. We can stop in this moment if I'm willing to wake up to the nature of my suffering, willing to wake up to the nature of the aggression within me. I can not stop the war, I cant stop any of the wars that are currently being fought. But I can stop war, I can stop the war here.  And imagine this, just imagine, if we all stop the war here, where would be the war? War would end like that. It would be finished.

And how do we wake up? By breathing in and breathing out. By looking, really looking and taking responsibility for the nature of our actions. Off and on for three years I lived at a Buddhist monastery in the southwest part of France. It is a Vietnamese Buddhist monastery. I was invited to come there by the abbot of this monastery and his assistant. I met them in America, I met them at a retreat. It was a retreat for American soldiers who had fought in the Vietnam war. Led by a Vietnamese ZEN-monk. It was a five-day retreat. It was a five-day of mindfulness retreat. What is mindfulness? Stopping, becoming more calm and breathing. Breathing in and breathing out, being aware that we are breathing in and breathing out.

How to come to mindfulness? Meditation. What is meditation? What is meditation? I know there are people here who meditate. Tell me, what is meditation? Answer: breathing in and breathing out. Oh, she's clever, that's the right answer. No, tell me what in your impression is meditation? I know you gave the right answer. What is meditation for you? Answer: to calm down. How do you do that? Don't tell me, breathing in and breathing out. How do you do that? Answer: by stopping the movements. Stopping the movements? Okay.
What is meditation? Answer: that's what I'm just doing and I know what I'm doing.
What are you doing? Answer: nothing. That's not true, we're all doing something. Answer: I'm living. Is that so? Is that meditation? Answer: I know that.
Do you smoke cigarettes, do you drink? Answer: water. Just water? Answer: tea.
So you drink water.
Meditation. Tell me, what is meditation? Answer: I don't know it.
What is meditation? Answer: to go into myself, to concentrate.
What is meditation? Answer: to find peace with oneself. When I find peace with myself and calm with myself.
How do you do that? Answer: Its quite different. I experience this by meditating, when I'm singing, when I'm dancing, when I'm in the nature, when I'm capable to just letting me fall.
Is singing and dancing meditation? Answer: yes.

If we are living intensely in the present moment, breathing in and breathing out, then everything that we do becomes an act of meditation. If we are not turning away from the true nature of ourselves, then everything we do becomes an act of meditation. Washing dishes, driving in the car, riding on the bus, sweeping the floor, dancing, sitting on a cushion. All of these things are in fact an act of meditation, if we are doing them in the present moment. In fact it is possible to become enlightened by opening a door. If we are opening that door completely intensely in the present moment, it is possible to realize the interconnectedness of all things. To realize the nature of our craving. To realize that we are not different. There is no separate Self. And really, I'm not different from this microphone - to realize this, to live in this place, that is enlightenment. That's what I read. That's what I'm told, however, I don't know, because in truth I'm not enlightened. And I would ask you all to make me a promise, if you become enlightened before me, please help me on the way. Because its quite possible that you become enlightened before me.

Its interesting, please notice this smile of mine. Seven years ago I didn't have one. I couldn't find it anywhere. I was invested in not smiling. I was invested in not being close, finding ways to keep myself separate from the other. And in truth, if I do not talk about the reality of my experience then I am separate from the other.

In this retreat, at the end of this retreat I approached one of the Vietnamese Buddhist nuns. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for all of the killing that I had been responsible for but couldn't get this out of my mouth. I couldn't say it. All I could say was, I want to go back to Vietnam. I want to help. What is the nature of my suffering? my guilt? This isn't the essence of my suffering, this is a piece of my suffering. This nun looked at me and said, “before you go to Vietnam you need to come and spend some time with us, to live with the Vietnamese people. Because if you do not you will be exploited. The nature of your guilt will be exploited.” She said to me, “come to Plum Village, we can help you. Let us help you.”  No one in my country ever said that to me ever. I was filled with such a powerful feeling, someone cared about me. I said, of course I come, but I can't. I don't have any money. She said, don't worry about the money, just come. I said, okay, then I'll come. After I went home, three or four days after the retreat, letters started to come with small cheques, $10, $5, $20. Other veterans were sending me the money for my ticket. Two things happened with me: at once I was excited and very touched by the invitation and about three days after I agreed to go I was overwhelmed by an intense fear. The fear was telling me that the only reason they were inviting me was to put me on trial for War Crimes. Find me guilty and either kill me or put me in prison.

Although a part of me was saying, this is probably not true, there was this fear. What was the nature of this fear? I have scars on my legs where I was shot by two men dressed as Buddhist monks. I have learned that just  robes do not make a monk. But I had closed myself to this.

So just as the young man on the train gave me an opportunity to wake up to the nature of my suffering, so did this invitation. To wake up to deeper and deeper levels of my suffering. My responsibility is to not hide from it, not turn away from it, and there are many ways. many ways to hide, many ways to turn away. I must wake up. If I want the world to be different then I must live in the world differently. I must be cautious about attachment to form. Form will not bring me to enlightenment. Form will not wake me up. If I do it the right way doesn't mean anything, if I don't have the commitment to wake up. If I want to heal the aggression then I must wake up to the nature of that aggression in my life today and be constantly aware of how that aggression manifests itself in my life, and to stop it. To stop it - it is this stopping that then becomes the bell of mindfulness.

I asked this nun a question, because when I was living in this monastery they kept saying this saying, like a mantra. They would say, the past is in the past, there is only the present moment and its beautiful. Breathe and smile. 

While living and working in this monastery,(its on the flight-path of the French air-force and the mirage-jets fly over, very low often breaking the sound barrier) have you ever heard a jet breaking the sound barrier? Its a great explosion.  Well on one particular day I was working with a monk, we were shoveling stones, and one of the mirage-jets flew over very low, so low that one could read the numbers and writing on the wing, and as it flew over it broke the sound barrier. I felt to the ground and I started to cry. Because in the moment what I saw, was a whole village going up in napalm. I could see the Vietnamese running, I could see their skin burning, I could hear them screaming. I knew that it wasn't really happening but I could see it happening as if it were. And this monk said, are you alright? And I started to talk about what was happening, and he stopped me.
He said, the past is in the past, there is only the present moment and it is beautiful-, breathe and smile.

This response was so detached from the reality of what I was experiencing that I wanted to hit him with the shovel, because it wasn't true.  I looked at him, I didn't hit him with the shovel, but I looked at him in a very strong way and I said, the past is not in the past. Sometimes its right here in the present moment and its not beautiful. I looked at him and I said, wake up! And I left. I felt very bad that I was so aggressive with this monk, this gentle, kind, little monk. I felt terrible. I went and talked to this nun and I said, what is this, the past is in the past? I said, this is not true. how can you teach such things here? She looked at me and she said, if you are living intensely in the present moment all things are here, you simply need to learn to live with them, like still water.

Because I put on the ropes gives me no special privileges to enlightenment. No more possibilities than you. The robe represents the Tatagata teaching, it is not the teaching. And when I put this rope on, I make a commitment to wake up and to not deviate from this path of mindfulness until all suffering is finished in the world, until all wars have ended.

When I put on the robes it is about responsibility, the responsibility to wake up. It doesn't mean loyalty to a certain way to sit, it doesn't mean loyalty to a particular form, it is a commitment to wake up.  

In truth I have a tradition and I study this tradition but I must not be confused between waking up and the reality of these forms.

It is written in the Buddha's teaching, he said to his attendant of forty years, as he was dying, you must be an island on to your self. You must follow the way. Do not be turned from the path, commit yourself to waking up. Turn away those demons that keep you trapped in suffering, there are many. Do not become lost.

At the end of this retreat, this first retreat I went to, there was a statement. This Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, said to the veterans, you are the light at the tip of the candle. You burn hot and bright. You possess the possibility to enlighten the world, to wake them up to the nature of their suffering, giving them the opportunity to heal. You deserve to speak, you must speak.
Please, wake up. I invite you.

What is this way of mindfulness? Mindfulness is not an intellectual prospect, it is a way of living. Come and experience it, tomorrow is an opportunity. We will be together for one day. Come and experience this way of mindfulness. One does not have to be Buddhist to live in mindfulness. Living in mindfulness will bring us more deeply into the nature of our roots.

Come and experience it with us. And if you taste it and you like it, then there is another retreat. The first week of June. You could come and spend a week with us, I invite you.  The way to waking up is not a simple one.
If you want to see the healing of aggression, then it begins here. And again, if you think you have no aggression, then you are trapped in it, drowning in it - and I invite you to wake up. Because your aggression doesn't look like mine, it doesn't mean you don't have it. It only becomes a clever way to avoid the nature of your aggression.

Come and be with us tomorrow, experience all these many forms of meditation. Come and experience this miracle of mindfulness. It is something you can take into your daily life.

 Today is the 28th, the 28th of May. On this day, fourteen years ago, I entered into this process of healing. I entered into a rehabilitation center for drug- and alcohol addiction-, and I stopped. By stopping these things which take me away from myself the opportunity to wake up becomes more possible. Living in the present moment, breathing in and breathing out, healing and transformation become possible. It takes a commitment to live life differently.
I invite you. - I invite you.

I'm going to end here.

Let us sit in our chairs, straight, with our feed on the floor, the back straight. Take your hand, either one, and place it on your stomach. When you breathe in, breathe in through your nose and feel your stomach rising, when you breathe out - feel your stomach falling. stay in contact with your breath and we will allow the bell to sing two times. Feel the bell hold you. Feel the interconnectedness of this community, holding you in the silence; and just breathe, pay attention. Pay attention to what is rising in your thinking Self, in your sense Self, in you emotional Self. Pay attention -.
Meditation - its just like that. Mindfulness - its just like that.
 

Questions:
When you say that everything is meditation, how is it when I feel aggression or non-confidence, mistrust. What about that?
Answer:
I feel mistrust. I feel aggression. This bell, tonight, is a bell of mindfulness. When we hear it ring it invites us to stop and come to our breath . When we stop and come to our breath and not be controlled by our mistrust or by our aggression, it presents us with an opportunity for healing and transformation. Let's say this is mistrust, a whole bunch of it. This is aggression, a whole bunch of it. Where is it? Is it gone? No it's not gone, its right here. So, as it starts to manifest itself sometimes the lid is coming off, those things that we use to protect ourselves from the nature of our suffering; its sometimes coming off. And there is our mistrust, it becomes this bell, ringing, and it gives me an opportunity to stop and just be present with this mistrust. Also to look more deeply into the nature of this mistrust. How do I do that? By simply not reacting to it, not being swept away by it, sitting with it and holding it without judgment. It's neither a good thing nor a bad thing, it simply is. I know that the consequences of my aggression is the perpetuation of suffering. And that if I do not want to perpetuate the suffering, then I must stop allowing it to control me. To sit and hold it can be a great challenge.
There would have been a time in my life when it would have been much easier to take away the cigarette and the lighter then it would be for me to simply hold my aggression and not be controlled by it. In this way my aggression and my mistrust become an opportunity for meditation. And in truth, this is my aggression. And as I learned to hold it, breathing in and breathing out, I also get to look what's under it, like an onion. You peel off the layers and when we peel off one layer, there is another. We peel off that layer- and there is another. And what happens while we're peeling off these layers? We're crying. This pain, to allow myself to be simply present with the nature of my suffering. How ever it may manifests itself, it presents us with an opportunity to live in mindfulness.
I drive a motorcycle - I really like it. And sometimes when I'm driving, cars are not very respectful. The car has the sign that says "yield" and it doesn't yield and it comes very close to me, and I want to kick the door and I want to scream at the person driving. I want to give signs with my hands that aren't so nice, -my aggression, my mistrust. This bell is ringing. Sometimes it comes so quickly that I don't hold it immediately. It explodes. But in this moment, there is always a point to stop, to come back to myself. So I pull my motorcycle over to the side of the road, stop it and put down the kick stand and breathe. And I ask myself, Claude, what's happening, and what I discover is that underneath my aggression there is fear. Fear that I might get hurt. Underneath the aggression is my powerlessness that I really have no control over the acts of another. Under my aggression are these things. What is the essence of these things? It is difficult to know. I simply must look, deeper and deeper. Mindfulness is the way.
 

Question:
What about the feeling of fear, of panic, if one can't meditate anymore, when this feeling is overwhelming?
Answer:
One can always meditate, because the fear becomes an opportunity to meditate. When this fear, this anxiety is rising. Let me ask you a question, what is meditation for you when you say you can't meditate, what is the picture in your head of meditation?
I can meditate when I'm aggressive. But I had a period in my life with anxiety and I couldn't go against it.
Meditation is not going against it, its embracing it.
That's hard.
Meditation is not simple, because if we do not embrace the reality of this anxiety, this aggression, the fear; if we turn away from it, we in fact are turning away from the nature of ourselves and there is no healing. Yes, to hold it its difficult, but if we are living in this way of mindfulness we will also begin to realize the essence of Sangha. Sangha is a Pali word for community. We are a community. At this night we are a community and you help me to hold my fear, my doubt, my insecurity - you help me. This is what the essence of community is, whether that community is one or one thousand. Someone to share the reality of my suffering with. They, the people I share it with, help me to hold it. Together we are much stronger then I am by myself. My anxiety is mine not yours. You're not going to take it. If you do, then Ill help you hold it, because I wont have it anymore. But in truth you can't take mine. So I tell you, I share with you and you help me to hold it. This is the embodiment of mindful living - community. If you don't have one, find one. Or simply look around and realize the community you already have. Talk with them, breathe with them - and if they can not listen then you need to look for people who can. There are those around and if you find one, it's more precious than this flower. Hold it and nurture it. Respect it. But not too close, because if I hold this flower too close, what happens to it? It looses its beauty, it crushed, it dies. But allow this to be a bell of mindfulness, cause as we hold this anxiety then what is the essence of this anxiety, can become more clear. And in truth I have to stop looking. I can not look for the essence of anxiety, I simply need to hold it and breathe and want to know, and it will become clear. Maybe in five minutes, maybe in five years, maybe in twenty - but it will become clear if you go in this way. If you want a guarantee, I write you one. But in truth it doesn't mean anything, you have to make the commitment.

Question:
What is one to do if one lives together with a person whom one loves, who is conditioned never to have aggressions? That exists and that's why I have even more.
Answer:
If one thinks they have no aggression, they are drowning in it. And if you have more, its simply because you are caring the aggression for the other. Stop doing them such favor.
You give them no opportunity to heal. In truth aggression can manifests itself in many ways. And those who think they are not aggressive are usually the most aggressive ones. Aggression may not necessarily look like aggression. If somebody hits you, you know that's aggression, but if somebody steels away your self- confidence, if somebody always cooks for you, always washes your clothes, always makes your bed - if someone does everything for you, this is also an act of aggression, because it steels away your ability to know you can care for yourself.

Next question:
Can aggression be creative, so that it serves your life and it doesn't make sense to heal aggression?
Answer:
No! The way in which aggression becomes creative is that it presents us with an opportunity to wake up to our own suffering so that indeed it can become transformed.

In the time of the Buddha it's written, that the Buddha created some guides for mindful living. They've come to be known as precepts. There were five of them. To show you attachment, these five precepts have grown into two hundred and fifty. Far out!
The five basic precepts are guides to mindful living. They are not rules to be followed rigidly, they are opportunities to help us wake up.
The first precept: do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find what ever means possible to protect life. Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. This is the first precept.
Second precept: do not steel. Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others, but prevent others from enriching themselves from human suffering and the suffering of other species on earth. This is the second precept.
Third precept: sexual expression should not take place without love and a long term commitment. Be fully aware of the suffering you may cause others as a result of your conduct. To preserve the happiness of yourself and others, respect the rights and commitments of others. This is the third precept.
Fourth precept: do not say untruthful things. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. -That's tough! I love the gossip. It's just so much fun.  Do not criticize or condemn things that you are not sure of. Do not use words that can cause division and hatred that can destroy and cause the family or community to brake. All efforts should be made to reconcile and resolve all conflicts. This is the fourth precept.

The fifth precept: do not use alcohol or any other intoxicant. Be aware that you fine body has been transmitted to you by your parents and several previous generations. To destroy you body with alcohol or other intoxicant is to betray your ancestors, parents and future generations. This is the fifth precept.

They're guides to mindful living. If in the process of listening to that you indeed have had judgments or reactions, -this is the nature of your suffering. An opportunity to look more deeply into the nature of your suffering. Aggression can be creative as it brings us back to the true nature of ourselves, the nature of our suffering and we have the opportunity to heal.

Last question:
How should one behave if one lives together with someone whom one loves, the father or the sister, and one isn't able to communicate with this person?
Answer:
How do you want to behave?
Response: I'd like to be able to communicate, to transmit my feelings, but it doesn't seem to be possible. Nevertheless I'm to be bound with feelings to him.

I can not concentrate on the other. I must concentrate on myself. If I'm not able to communicate with the other, I can only look deeply into the nature of my suffering. I can not make the other communicate. But What I also must look at is what are my conceptions of communications. I mean in fact, is there communication that I'm not seeing because it's not appearing in a form in which I can see because of the nature of my suffering. It becomes an opportunity to heal.  If I can not communicate then with this there is suffering. Here (the place of desiring communication)  becomes a place for me to focus my mediation. Mindfulness is a tool. There are many tools. If I want to build a house there isn't one tool. But if I'm living in mindfulness, intensely in the present moment, looking deeply into the nature of myself, willing to wake up then steps to take become more clear.  I can not tell you what to do. It would be wrong of me to do such a thing.

Its written that the Buddha, when asked him a similar question, responded by picking up a handful of leaves and asking the person, where is there more leaves, in my hand or in the tree? The person said, well, of course in the tree. And it is written that the Buddha responded, yes, that's correct. There are many things that I do not teach, what I do teach is the way, what I offer is the way.  Answers can not be given they can only be discovered.  You must find your answers. If anyone gives them to you, they're not yours and they won't work.

Our questions become a place of meditation. Wake up to your suffering. Don't attach yourself to the other, it presents you an opportunity to heal.

My father died when he was fifty three years old. My father died of alcoholism. I miss my father. But as I heal, the father in me heals. I can not heal my father, but the father in me can heal.

When I was in this monastery I asked a question. What can I do about all this suffering that I created? The answer was, if you blow up a bridge, you can build a bridge. If you blow up a house, you can build a house. If you destroy crops, you can plant new ones.  And I said, so what about the the killing?  I was given some answer but it did not address the truth of my question.  What happened though was that by taking the risk to ask the question to look deeply into the nature of this suffering the answer could become known to me.  What I have learned is that  as I heal, all those that I had been responsible for killing, heal.  And I have a responsibility to them.  I must not let their lives let be wasted, and to continue to perpetuate suffering would be to allow their lives to be wasted. Here-in lies  my responsibility - to wake up, and I am not different from you.

I'm finished for tonight. Tomorrow there is a day of mindfulness and if you have more questions or if you would like to experience the way, please come. You can speak with Heinz-Jurgen and he can give you information. Please come and spend a day with us. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain. I'm not a missionary. I'm not looking for converts. I'm simply offering, I'm offering you a flash-light, so that you can shine it on your path. Mindfulness is that flash-light. Come, experience it. Now I want to say Good Night in a way that is comfortable for me. I place my hands in Gassho. What is it? Why do we do this? Cause I'm doing it? I hope not.

I place my hands in Gassho, some say, it's a flower just before it opens. Some say, it's the shape of my heart, but I say it's my two hands touching - all things are true.

So what I will do is, I will bow to you in gratitude. I bring you the flower of my heart. I bow to all you Buddha's to be. I bow to your courage for coming, for your courage to ask questions, for your courage to be present and for your support. I bow to my seat, because in truth I'm not different from the seat. The seat supported me through this whole time, held me, given me comfort and I'm grateful to that. So I acknowledge this. 

I bow to my voice, without whom I would not have been able to speak with some of you tonight. - The interconnectedness of all things. I bow to the Glockenmeister, whose sweet sound of the bell held us in mindfulness, supported me, helped me not getting lost. Community, Interconnectedness, Interbeing, Buddhist teaching. Healing doesn't happen outside of us, it happens inside. Aggression doesn't happen outside, it happens inside.

You're all lights at the tip of a candle and I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow. Good night.