"Public Talk, Zurich, Switzerland, December 1998"
Claude AnShin ThomasThe moment I see someone or something as separate from myself, this is war. These are the seeds and the roots of war. The moment I see myself as separate from the universe, this is war. There rests our suffering. It is impossible to commit acts of aggression unless I see myself as separate. I am conditioned to see the other as separate. These are the seeds of suffering. When they are dropping bombs I can understand. And it makes me commit myself even more strongly to this practice to wake up. But I ask you to do me a favor: if you wake up before me, please help me on my way.
Robes don't make a monk. They don't make me different. They just symbolize my commitment. They help me to remember: What is my purpose here ?
In the official years of the Vietnam War 58,000 American soldiers died in combat, several 100,000 South Vietnamese soldiers died in combat. They say, maybe a million North Vietnamese soldiers and North and South Vietnamese civilians died in combat. War does not begin with a declaration and ends with an armistice. War never ends until we get it here (points to his chest ). The non-soldier is more responsible for the war than the soldier. And that is not to say that I am not responsible. How many people died in Russia during the rule of Stalin? How many people died in Cambodia under the rule of Pol Pot ? How many people died in the fighting of the former Yugoslavia ? How many people died in Northern Ireland ? I am responsible to not let their lives be wasted. They died to let us know that this is not the way. Violence is not a solution.
Where is the war in you ? That's what we use this practice for: to help us to wake up. To understand that we are not separate. When we look at people: Can we find the place where we touch ?
This year I facilitated a six month retreat. Three people participated during the entire period and many others joined us for different parts of the retreat. The retreat was a pilgrimage. I walked across America. I walked without money, in robes and no organization. I walked 15 to 20 miles each day. When we arrived in another town we knocked on the doors of the religious institutions and asked them for a simple place to stay and some simple food to eat. If they said 'No' then we slept outside and we did not eat and we walked the next day. And it happened that people said 'No'. We walked mostly through small towns of 800 to 1,500 people. In America the situation with the churches is a bit different than from Europe. We would arrive in a town of 1,000 people and we might find 7 to 9 different churches, of course mostly protestant or catholic. But in the protestant there are so many different sects. We would arrive in a town and they would have this beautiful building. We would introduce ourselves: who we are and what we are doing and asked if they would be able to support us. And often what we heard was: 'We would really like to support you but ... the rules and there isn't any room here.' Can you imagine ? In one of these large buildings and there is no room for 4 or 5 people ? They were always, I mean not always but mostly, very polite. But some of them actually had the courage to speak the truth: 'You are Buddhist ? We would never allow you to set a foot in our building. We couldn't let you stay here.' What arises in me in this moment is the nature of my suffering. And of course, what I wanted to do is convince them of the value of Buddhist Teaching and the rightness of their own Christian Teaching. That is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to bow before them for the teaching they have presented to me and go and knock on the next door.
We stopped in a small town of 80 people. They had one church. When we called the pastor of the church he wasn't very interested because we were Buddhist. He came to the place where we were sitting and resting. He approached me and we had a conversation. He asked me if I believed in his teacher. I said: 'Sure, of course I do.' Then he said: 'But to you believe in my teacher the way I believe in my teacher ?' I said: 'I don't know. How do you believe in your teacher ?' He said: 'Well, my teacher is the only one.' And I said: 'I don't believe that.' He looked at me and said: 'If you don't believe in my teacher like I do, that means that you are the anti-teacher.' Wow, that is quite a promotion. I smiled and said: ' I don't think so.' and asked: 'How old are you ? Did you serve in the military ?' He said: 'Yes.' I asked: 'Did you fight in this particular conflict ?' He answered: 'Yes, I did.' And I said: 'I fought in the military and I fought in this conflict.' He said: 'Yeah, that's why we fought to preserve democracy so that you can do what you are doing.' I smiled to him and bowed and said: 'Yes, that's what we did so that you also can do what you are doing.' He went away and came back with food.
To find the place where we touch. To find the place where we meet commonly. It is very easy to create the differences. He has a blue shirt on. He is different. He has dark hair. He is different. I have a bald head. Are we able to see the point where we touch ? This place of interconnectedness ? Am I willing to see that I am not different ? Am I able not to project the nature of my suffering onto the other ? To realize the moment when suffering is rising: my anger, my confusion, my despair, my doubt, my convincedness. Can I realize that the other is not the source of this ? That when these feelings are rising the other is providing me an opportunity to see the nature of my suffering. To experience it, to wake up. Now I have to decide on a daily basis how many opportunities I want. And if someone constantly is giving me the opportunity to wake up to my suffering .... do I really want to continue being in contact ? But to realize the feelings that rise in me are mine. They do not belong to anybody else. I do not heal if I do not wake up to the nature of my suffering: the courses and conditions of my life. That cycle of suffering will continue. The cycle of birth, death and rebirth. I read in some teaching that if you didn't believe in reincarnation you couldn't be a Buddhist. In fact, I really don't know. But what I understand of birth, death and rebirth is that I experience it in my own terms. I am thirsty. This is suffering. And as suffering exists, this is birth. I take a drink of water. The suffering passes. This is death. But I have done nothing to address the issue of suffering and so I become thirsty again. And this is rebirth. So, if I do not wake up to the causes and conditions of my life, the very nature of my suffering, then this cycle will continue. All past generations exist in me. Can you imagine that at some point we are all related ? Can you imagine that Phuong and I are related ? I don't exactly know where we are related but we are. Because all past generations exist here. It is an infinite connection. There is no beginning and there is no end. There is a beginning and an end to this form. But in fact, I have no beginning and no end. My father is in me, my mother is in me. I have a son and he got them all. He inherited them all. It's an infinite connection.
My father died at the age of fifty-three, half a month after his 53rd birthday. He was the oldest male surviving member in my family. He died of alcoholism. He died of a destructive life. My father smoked two and a half packs of cigarettes a day. He didn't have a very healthy diet. My father was not a bad person. He just didn't know. Just like I don't believe that the English and American governments are bad people. They simply don't know. They are not awake. They think they are. Look at the consequences of thinking. How many thousand will die ? And what is the difference if 10,000 die or one dies ? Because in the interconnectedness of all things the 10,000 exist in one and one exists in the 10,000. They are not separate. When we perceive them as separate this is suffering.
I cling to the notion that my actions effect no one. But in fact, I don't stop at my skin. This is the teaching of the Buddha. This is not all, this is only what we see. But I am more than that. My father died of alcoholism. He killed himself. It was just a slower way of doing it. His brother committed suicide hanging himself in a mental institution. His oldest son killed himself, shot himself in a forest in North Carolina. The youngest son of my sister killed himself, under the influence of drugs and alcohol drove his car into a wall. The official end of the Vietnam War was 1973. Till 1983 58,000 soldiers had killed themselves. Now the number is more than 100,000. This does not happen by accident. This is not some strange phenomena. It is the result of suffering and the inability to wake up to the causes and conditions of my life. If I do not embrace the spiritual reality of life. To understand the basic teaching that suffering is a natural condition of life.
If I am not able to wake up to this then I am an instrument of perpetuating suffering. That's why I put on robes. To encourage me and to realize that every day is a retreat. Every day. Every moment is an opportunity to practice. Why do I offer the tools that I offer ? So that when we leave here we have some support in our lives. Hearing the alarm clock is an opportunity to practice. It's about mindfulness. Whenever we hear the bell ringing it is an invitation to stop, to come back to our breath and just look deeply into the moment. To be present is to look deeply. If I am not experiencing my life directly then I am not experiencing life. If am unwilling to touch life directly then I will be dropping bombs. In Iraq or in my own life. Because Iraq is in life. If am not committing myself to this process of waking up, to the spiritual reality of life then I am trapped in the cycles of suffering and I will continue to repeat these cycles. The practice of meditation is a tool to help us, to assist us to look deeply. To look deeply is just to be present. Deeply isn't some other place. Deeply is here. What did the Buddha's practice consist of ? The Buddha woke up every morning, the monks and nuns went out for alms-begging. In the tradition I am ordained in you call it TAKAHATSU - alms-begging. They invited the community around them to support them. They were giving themselves freely and providing them an opportunity. When they had eaten there meals they walked to the next place. I can't imagine how this must have looked like. 15 or 20 people in orange robes and bald heads walking into the town. Must have created quite some reaction or stimulation. A bell of mindfulness. Their presence was a bell of mindfulness. Where are the bells of mindfulness in our lives ? It's not just this bell. It's the telephone, it's the spoon, it's the uncomfortable feelings rising in my person.
I came to visit Martin last year here in Switzerland. I was coming to Zurich and Winterthur on the train. I am sitting in the non-smoking section. I am traveling in my monks robes. A young man enters the train and takes out a cigarette in the non-smoking section. I just sat there for a moment to see what would happen. He put the cigarette into his mouth and pulled out some matches. I said: 'Excuse me.' And I pointed to the non-smoking-sign. And then he lid the match and lid the cigarette. First thing that arose in me was that I wanted to walk over to him, grab the cigarette out of his mouth, destroy it on the floor and take his whole packet of cigarettes and jam it right into his face. But then I thought: 'Gees, I am dressed as a monk.' I wondered how the papers would deal with that. That's probably not a good idea to do that. The gift of the robe, the bell of mindfulness. I just collected my things and went some place else. When I arrived in Winterthur I went to the office of Martin. We went to get something to eat. We sat down in a park and who should appear but this young man. He was with a young woman. He was shy, she wasn't. They came over. We talked for 20 or 30 minutes. It was really a wonderful conversation. What was the nature of his suffering to commit such an act of aggression ? What is the suffering in his life that he should choose to commit suicide in such a slow and progressive way ? And has anyone ever helped him to understand that his actions were aggressive ? And the possibilities of escalation in such an aggressive action?
There two things that are certain in the existence of this form: one is that it is born and one is that it dies. But we cannot be sure when either will happen. We cannot be sure. So, why waste a moment ? There is no guaranty that you will be born again. None. So, why waste a moment if we can wake up now ? I live my life so that I am not an instrument of violence. I don't always know what that means. I only know what violence looks like. What I can do is to stop those acts of violence in my life. The vows that I have taken in becoming ordained are bells of mindfulness. The robes are bells of mindfulness. That does not mean that I know more. It just means that I accept great responsibility. When we come to such events like this, talks and retreats, what I hope is that we are not looking for this practice to somehow heal us or fix us or bring us peace. That we learn the tools that will help us in that process of waking up. Waking up. Doing things differently. If I want my life to be different then I have to do things differently. I have to be willing to look where are the effects on the entire universe from my actions ? Meditation is a tool to help us, to support us in this practice. And meditation is more than just sitting. Meditation is about living intensely in the present moment. If we are living intensely in the present moment then everything we do becomes an act of meditation. And as I live more in harmony with the universe I will intuitively know that what before used to baffle me. I will end here. I will invite Wiebke to ring the bell two times and then I will open it for questions. I call it questions and responses rather than questions and answers. Because I don't have them.
Q: I teach men to deal with aggressions. I myself find it very important that a man comes in contact with his deep aggression, so that he knows how to work with it in case it is overwhelming him in a situation. You say that this is no good. What to do ? What should men do who never went to war but they have this war inside and they are totally unconscious about it ?
C: First I would like to say that I wouldn't say it is no good. I would simply say: it is not my way. I think there are other possibilities to deal with this whole nature of suffering in other ways. Aggression is not the soul property of men. Women are equally aggressive. Their aggression simply manifest itself in a different form. Sometimes. As a child I experienced a tremendous amount of physical aggression from my mother. In the war that I participated a number of the most intense fighters were women and children. I don't feel that the issue is aggression but rather suffering. That aggression is a manifestation of suffering. I don't need to learn how to be aggressive. I need to learn how to be vulnerable. I need to learn how to be afraid. I need to learn how to be sad. I need to learn how to be weak. In my inability to handle the power of those feelings I often act them out in aggressive ways. I need to see that I am not a separate self. That I am an interconnected piece. That I don't have all of the answers. To learn of to be soft. My first exposure to Zen began when I was fourteen years old. I followed the tradition till 1989. That is 28 years. My first exposure to Zen came through the marital arts, through karate. And what I was taught and what I continued to teach was how to fight so you don't have to fight. Great myth. I woke up to this myth. I was teaching a class of highly ranked students. I stopped teaching in 1989 and I stopped studying. When I stopped I had achieved the rank of 12th degree black belt in two different styles. So, I taught a class of other black belts. One of the exercises we did was that one person would stand in the middle and each person in the circle would come out and start to fight. No contact. Of course that never happened, there is always contact. But I heard two people say something I probably heard a thousand times before: " My style is superior to yours because I can kick your butt." In this moment it was just an awakening. And in one week I gave away all my schools and I stopped teaching. Because this was not the way. No matter how I rationalize it in my intellectual self. The way is to step into the unknown. Accepting that each moment, each in-breath and each out-breath is an unknown. To step directly into the unknown. And see what the unknown teaches us. To be afraid. To be frightened. What a powerful place to be. To be able to be afraid, to have that fear and just live with that. To be encouraged to do so. For example: I am riding my motorcycle. I am riding down the road. And I have a passenger behind me. And I look up in front of me and a car is coming directly out into the middle of the intersection. There is no way that we are not going to hit it. So, in the moment I have to make a decision. The decision I make is to put the motorcycle down onto the pavement, so it slides free from the car and I slide free. After I stopped sliding I just run a quick mental check if I am injured. The practice of mindfulness. To not react. Stop and become calm. Check. Then I get up and I walk over to the car. Now, ten years ago I may have put my fist through the window, grab this person by his hair and drag him out of his car. Feeling entitled to express my aggression and anger. I didn't do that. I looked at him and all I could say was: "Did you realize what you did ? Did you realize that you could have killed me, you and your baby in the back seat ?" Then I figured I better go and sit down because my knee was quite sore. I was amazed, just amazed. That there wasn't any anger in me. That I was afraid. I felt overwhelmed and I could look at that person. If I would have expressed myself in some sort of entitled way I simply would have perpetuated that cycle of suffering. It can end. Here. I can end it and stop perpetuating suffering. What it is for you? I don't know. I know my experience. And that is what I share.
Q: Is waking up connected with an act of will ?
C: That's a good question. What do you think.
Q: I tried but it hasn't worked.
C: Is waking up an act of will ? There is a teaching "The prajna paramita". 'Prajna' is great and 'paramita' is teaching. The prajna paramita is translated into: "Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Form is not other than emptiness, emptiness no other than form." It is only through an act of will that I can commit myself to the practice. But I cannot force myself to do it. I cannot will myself. It is through an act of will that I commit myself to awakening to the nature of my suffering. Through seeing the point where I am resistant. ( woman is trying to interrupt ) Wait, if you want to know then you have to stop and listen. Your mind is racing so fast that you can't hear. You are thinking about the answers to the question before the question is even responded. Empty yourself. Listen, pay attention. Stop looking and commit. Can you make the commitment ? Do you really want to wake up ? Do you ?
Q: I think so.
C: Ah, may be that's the problem. 'I think so.' Because when I am thinking I have all kinds of notions and ideas. Can I make the commitment to sit just to sit, walk just to walk, eat just to eat and commit myself to service ? And let the unknown be my teacher ? Drop away my ideas ?
Q: How do you cope with suffering ?
C: You don't cope with it, you just live with it. It's like this: Martin stand up and do a fist with your hand. See, just know he is quite relaxed. Now push, push....ja, push. See, how hard he is working ? How much he is sweating ? The more we resist the more we don't want to have it the stronger the suffering becomes, the more powerful it holds us. Stop resisting. Stop looking for the way. Just sit. Sit with the suffering. When this suffering is present just learn how you are with this suffering. Breath into it. And notice: how does your food taste ? How does the sky look like ? Look at the suffering as an opportunity, as a good friend instead of not wanting it. Embrace it, hold it. Wow, what a concept! That is absolutely the opposite of what I was ever taught. In fact, it is like that. When I stopped this teaching in the Martial Arts I discovered a very valuable lesson. This activity was a drug for me. It was keeping me from touching my suffering. And when I stopped suddenly I was just left with me. There are times when I go to the supermarket. When I reach out for a can of vegetables in the shelf I am consumed with a fear so powerful I can't describe. I know of I take this can of whatever of the shelf that it will explode. It's a bomb. It's a booby-trap I know in my mind that this is probably not the case but ... you now, I don't take the can off the shelf. I just have this fear and I respect it. And I just walk out of the grocery store and do the next thing. What has this fear to teach me ? My training is: ' Take the damned can out of the shelf, you baby ! Take it off !' That's the way I used to be. I do it differently: 'How important is that can right there ? It's not that important. I can come and get it another time or I can embrace the teaching of Sangha and I can ask someone else to take the can. I can share with them truthfully the nature of my person.' To be present with that. To give them an opportunity to support.
Waking up is learning how to live in my skin.
Q: I learned the practice of "Touching the Earth" in Plum Village. I was so moved that I knew that I have to do it for myself and also teach it as meditation form. Now I deal intensely with the question of the non-self. When I realize how I am connected with everyone, this deeply confuses me sometimes. I would like to know about your experiences.
C: About what ?
Q: This connection with all that is. It is mostly easy for us to feel connected to people we like very much. But if I know I am also connected with a leaf or a flower or an animal I can't comprehend this with my head.
C: Did you say 'in your head you can't' ?
Q: Yes.
C: If I can't understand the interconnectedness of all that is in my head then I am not able to do it. My body is not different from my experience within the universe. I have a thinking-self, a sense-self, a psychological self, a physical self. I must see the interconnectedness of all these things. If I am not able to experience that interconnectedness here (pointing to himself) then I am not experiencing it here ( pointing outside). Only an idea. This practice of "Touching the Earth": I am glad it serves you. But can you see this practice when you drink a cup of tea ? Can this practice exist in the act of drinking a cup of tea ? Because the practice is also there. As any ritual does it help us really ? This is always the question. Because it is here (pointing to his chest) that the integration first must take place. If I cut my leg, my hand doesn't say: 'Yes, he cut his leg. What do you think ? Should we help him out or not ? Do you really want to get bloody ?' My hand doesn't do that. My hand just covers the wound. This is the interconnectedness. This is the acting out of interconnectedness. To know is to come to a place beyond the intellect. To know that we are not different. I am not different. And when I realize this I treat myself in a healthier way. I am more compassionate and I treat myself in a more compassionate way. The danger comes when I think I know what compassion is. Because if I think I know what compassion is, I probably don't. I am in trouble.
To commit myself to the practice of growing up, to bear witness to that moment. To bear witness simply means to pay attention. Pay attention to what is rising in my thinking-self, in my sense-self, in my emotional self, in my physical self, in my hidden self. Pay attention. That is bearing witness. And as I am able to do that healing and transformation take place. I can approach the man in the car and not act out my suffering on him. I can walk by the lake of Zurich and I can watch a group of ducks attacking and killing another duck and not intervene in that process. It's not my place. But to bear witness and to pay attention to what is rising inside of me. What is your deepest secret ? That piece you would never share with anyone ? Interconnectedness takes place if we take down the barriers of separation. I have never hugged a tree. It just feels stupid to me. That doesn't mean that I don't feel connected with that tree. I feel a deep connection and I am very thankful for the connection. I touch him with gentleness and calmness. I am just a little uneasy standing in the middle of a park and hug a tree. So I don't do it. And I don't need to do it to express my affection and realize my interconnectedness.
C: By the way. Next time you see sister Chan Kong put your arms around her, hold her close and give her my love. You can hug her for me.
Q: I will.
C: Do you want to be a nun ?
Q: No.
C: I just heard you speak about nuns. I thought you might be thinking about becoming ordained.
Q: No, I was just in the retreat in Plum Village but not as nun.
C: That's what I said. I don't want to become ordained either. Not me.
Q: So the practice is a about committing yourself to the unknown ?
C: It's not about the commitment to the unknown. It's about committing. In fact there isn't anything else than the unknown. At the moment at which we think we know, that changes. We spend so much of our lives trying to structure our lives, to not touch life. This is suffering. Yes, I mean, can you live one second from now ? Is there anyone here how can do that ? Is there anyone how can live one second from now ? There is only now. With each in-breath and each out-breath we are in fact touching the unknown. Commitment is not to embrace the unknown but to live in the present moment accepting all that is. When I commit myself to living in the present moment healing and transformation become possible. People want me to say, well how does this happen. I don't know. I provide you the tools to take the step. The tools to support you in your step. But what you do with these tools is up to you. Healing is not something that comes to us from outside. Healing begins here. Healing is not the absence of suffering but learning to live in harmony with it. Not creating more. Not perpetuating the suffering. To do something different. When I stop doing that which is familiar then I am touching self. My life is committed to distractions, not touching self. The question is not about commitment to the unknown, the question is about commitment. To live here in the present moment. It's wonderful. It is amazing. The entire universe exists here. Imagine this. I have the possibility to end all war. That's a serious issue.
I reads a story in the Dharmapada. It is the book. When I was doing this pilgrimage most people I encountered where Christians. They would say: We have a book. Do you have a book. I would say: Well, we don't have one. We got 24. The Pali Canons. 24 volumes of teachings. But that whole 24 volumes of teaching arises from one source: the four noble truth and the eight-fold path. The whole 24 volumes arise from one source: the Dharmapada. There is story in the Dharmapada that the Buddha had a student. He was very intellectual and very proud. And the student approached the Buddha one time in a discussion: Hey, Shakyamuni, how come that you don't give us all the teachings ? Could it be because you don't really know all ? The Buddha sat for a moment and then reached out and picked out a handful of leaves. Buddha then was attributed with saying: where are more leaves ? In my hand or in this forest ? The student said: Of course in the forest. Buddha put the leaves down and said: My point. I teach only that which helps you to reach the other shore. All the rest simply excites and inflames. It is a distraction and unnecessary.
C: If you have never been a school teacher it would be interesting to have the experience of that. You stand up in front of a group of people and you go: " Are there any questions ?" And people will do this ... as if I can't see them. It is interesting, I can look at you and I can see the questions in your eyes and you don't ask them. This is suffering. Why are you not asking ? 'Oh, I don't want to sound stupid. Oh, it is a silly question, I don't really need to ask. What would people think if I ask this question ? Why should I ask that question, I am supposed to have the answer ?' This is suffering. Ask some questions.
What is your question ?
Q: I am suffering about bombs in Iraq. And I am asking myself the whole time what can we do ?C: I would say you are not suffering about Iraq. Pay attention to what is rising. We can't stop the bombs. What can we do ? This is the question. What can I do to heal the war ? What is the nature of the war in me ? And as I commit myself to waking up to the war here then what to do become clear. It is quite usual to say my suffering is Iraq instead of saying my suffering is my powerlessness. How do I hold my problems ? Perhaps a walking meditation ? When you leave here walk with mindfulness. How can you sew the seeds of non-aggression ? In your own person. That does not mean we stop our actions out here. That does not mean that we live in a cave although we may choose to do so. Milarepa lived in a cave. At least that was told about him. But we here don't live in a cave. So what to do ? That's the question. So we sit and breath in and breath out, we walk in meditation, we eat in meditation to look deeply into the nature of our suffering, the causes and conditions of my life and there begin the process of transformation.
Q: Again to my first question. I appreciate you very much as a fighter, as a combatant, all this so called male business. You experienced it and you expressed it. Then your enlightenment came and said that this is not good. And you are teaching now the way of meditation. So, men who did not have that experience and who are let into meditation and sit, they become weak and so called softies. And in America I know it started these men who never went to fight, never experienced how to contact the aggression and to work with it that they will fail in their identity and they have to go to psychotherapy to work on it because they are totally into the ying way of life or the female way of life and they are not in contact with their power.
C: First I would say that the possibilities of healing did not come through the expression of aggression. It came through stopping that aggression. One of the demons I have to confront: when I did not respond in a traditional male programmed way to aggressions and to threats then I was somehow a coward. That I would become a softy. These are cultural stereotypes. To become soft is not necessary to become female. It is not an expression of female energy. It is expressing the softness of male energy. So, I must be cautious to not divide the genders. But to realize and to hold this. Not the stereotypes of one gender or an other. There are many ways to express my masculinity. But it is not about my masculinity, it is about my humanness as a male person. It expresses itself in many different ways. There is no one way. If I am comfortable in my skin which I wasn't when I had no contact with the wholeness of my person then I am in touch with my maleness, with my person. In America last year 23,000 young men between the ages 12 and 23 died of hand-gun death. They kill each other expressing their maleness, their aggression. This is not the way and this is not male. So, to stop, to become calm and to look into the nature of my suffering, to do things different, to learn what it means to be a human being in this body. This aggression demonstrates itself in many ways. Sexual aggression, physical aggression, aggression in business, inability in becoming close and vulnerable with another. What does it say about my maleness when I can embrace another men and hold him close ? What does it mean about my maleness when I embrace a woman ? Am I able to do those acts just from a place of being a person ? And to bear witness to what rises in my as I embrace those two acts without judgment ? Just bear witness. There are the seeds of my suffering: my deciding, making judgments and having perceptions about what is rising. If I didn't tell you about my experience you would not know. And some may perceive me as one of those softies. Some may. In fact, I had many opportunities since I put on the robes to come face to face with my aggression. To do things then differently. To experience then the waves of healing spread through the community. And still when I don't act in traditional ways there are moments I feel less than. What I do and I want to invite you all: we go bungee jumping, we go sky diving. You want to experience stepping into the unknown ? Here you go. You see, it is not attached one gender or another. It is just an act. It is our thinking-self who creates the separateness. ' I can't do that. I am a woman.' I invite you all to come sit with me, let's make a cake, let's change diapers, let's nurse a child. You want to step into the unknown ? Change a diaper. It is neither a male or female thing to do. I used to love it, changing diapers. Every time I change the diapers is stepping into the unknown. When you open the diaper you never know what is in there or how the little baby will react. I can't tell you how many times I got pee in my face. Now, having babies pee in my face I love it. Ja, if you would pee in my face what would I do ? Ja, that would be a different story, wouldn't it ? Why ? Through our attachments and our perceptions, our aversions. This practice can help us to come to that place passing through our resistance into the unknown.
Wiebke has made a commitment to study with me for a year. I approached her about a year ago October. Part of the practice that I do is committed to being outside. I do retreats on the streets. I live homeless and I invite people to come with me. Each morning we start with a spiritual practice and in the evening the same. We sleep outside. Those who come with me bring only the clothes that they wear and one form of identification. Something we have to deal with today that the Buddha didn't have to deal with so much is the police. It is good to have a piece of identification. And no money. So we have to live in this way. We start the morning with a spiritual service: sitting and some ritual. And then we beg. Just as the Buddha. So I invited Wiebke to come to one of those retreats. At a point I let her tell you the story. But I asked her if she would be interested to come and work as my assistant. She said: "Ja." And I said: "Start with the pilgrimage." She never had a pack on her back. And she had never walked more than around the block. She walked all the way across the country.
Those who came today for the talk, you are all invited to sit with us, practice with us. We will be here all day tomorrow. That's not the truth, not all day. We will be here from 10 until 6. And if you want to join us speak to Cathy. She will inform you about what you need to do.